trixi's Blog

***DISCLAIMER***

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS A PITY PARTY PLAIN & SIMPLE.  IF YOU OBJECT, PLEASE JUST DONT READ ON. 

life sux. it just sux.  my phone got turned off so no dial-up internet at home. have to depend on the public library, where interlopers abound.  my already mentally unstable 14 year old son's girlfriend broke up with him last night and of course i am reaping the wrath.  he wouldnt go to school and he's already missed the maximum allowable days. so i'm sure social services will be breathing down my neck. my 10 year old daughter's principal called yesterday and said he found a prescription pill and some scissors in her backpack.  talk about embarrassing! jeez.  no job. no money.  i know its my fault.  i'm thinking about moving out of this place and get a fresh start somewhere else.  it certainly cant be any worse than it is here already. 

PITY PARTY OFFICIALLY OVER

another day another dollar. wait, i have no job. therefore there's no dollar. ok.  the rent's paid for may. i have 30 days to find something.  i have  been searching my little heart out.  but today i am still under the spell of the benadryl i took at bedtime and i stayed up way too late surfing in cyberspace, so i think i will do nothing. yeah, nothing.  is that so bad? why do i always feel guilty when i do nothing? as if i didn't clean up the ENTIRE yard singlehandedly on monday and apply for a gazillion jobs the other days of the week! but yet, i cant allow myself to be lazy for long without that guilt eating away at me every single second.  weird. i know.  i'm feeling a bit strange today.  is it the benadryl? is it lack of sleep? is it lack of job? is it lack of chocolate chip cookies? is it all of the above? probably that and so much more.  my kids have therapy appointments tonight. yippee! they need it and so do i.  my neck itches.  does anybody else have this crazy itch? it's just around my neck and nowhere else and it feels sooooooooo good when i scratch it.  lotion doesn't help too much.  it acts up once in a while.  could it be nerves? could it be lack of chocolate chip cookies? i wish i knew.  damn i wish i had some chocolate chip cookies.....

well, apart from making me insanely jealous, that is!!! :))

they have made it all the more clear that we are all real people behind these computer screens--making real connections (sometimes even love connections, right guys?!)  we are not just our made-up user names or our avatars--although they may offer a bit of a clue as to what our personalities are.  we need to cherish and nurture the friendships we've made here and always always remember that even in a virtual community, feelings can be hurt.  so let us please be kind to one another.

they have also given me hope that true love does still exist in this day and age and that two people, no matter how far apart, can come together if they feel strongly enough about one another. i, for one, have been deeply touched by the journey they have made, and am thankful to have been witness to it.

so thank you, blue & mello, for all you've done for me. and of course, congratulations!

your friend,

triXi

over the long holiday weekend, i slept more than usual.  i can always tell when i sleep hard because i dream so much and so vividly.  my dreams are most always about sex and about doing things i can't or don't have the chance to do in real life.  they are awesome and i wish i could live in them instead of the real world, where my opportunities are limited. 

On Sept 8, i wrote a blog and got this wonderful response from an EP'er named GodFree1101.... or something like that (sorry, i can't remember all the numbers).  i thought it was so lovely and appropriate, and wanted to put it out there for all my friends to enjoy.  btw, thank you GodFree

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. by Max Ehrmann ©1927 (renewed) Bell & Son Publishing, LLC Reprinted with permission.

it's not much.  i just need somebody to care and listen.  i am feeling blue for many reasons.  the holidays were bittersweet, and though i tried to make them nice for my little family, there was very little in the way of success.  i am disheartened because no matter how hard i bust my ass on any given day, it seemingly gets me nowhere.  i am feeling especially lonely this evening. i have a bit of a cold and am feeling sleepy.  i took my kids out for chinese food on their insistence but they ended up embarrassing me with their bad behavior.  my son thought it was funny to lock me out of the car while i stood in the cold in the restaurant parking lot with everyone staring at me.  then we went to dollar tree and they beat each other with toy swords despite my protests.  i feel like nothing but a piece of furniture, a doormat---that's how little respect i get as a parent.  so i have decided to just lay down and go to bed now & hopefully wake up in a better mood tomorrow. the only saving grace is the fact that because the kids are still on holiday vacation, i will be able to go to work in the morning without having to fight and plead with them to get ready.  even so, i am not looking forward to monday.

i hate this mouse because it has no trackball.  it's totally annoying.

i was mean to the balloon lady at walmart today because i thought she didn't blow up my balloons & i was already pi$$ed off and having a bad day.  now i'm ashamed of myself and afraid to show my face in there again.

i miss my mama today.

my back hurts---really bad.

i miss talking to petergriffin & wish he'd get his silly @$$ back here ;>

i am lonely.

i want to cry.

i have a bad case of PMS.

this day pretty much sucked, so i think i will just go to bed now & forget about it.

i'm a good girl---on the outside.  but on the inside there is this insatiable vixen---one that craves to be taken with wild abandon in every way imaginable.  looking at me, you'd never know i felt this way.  i am just plain and ordinary. but my heart is on fire and every nerve within me is screaming take me take me take me!  i just want want want and yet there's no outlet.  i need sex and i want love too but that takes time.  i am a paradox; a mystery even to myself.  i am horny and yet in order to remain a "good" girl, i feel i musn't say it out loud here or anywhere for fear of what others may think.  the net is a good place to remain anonymous, but even that doesn't stop people from forming opinions.  the real question is why i even care about what other people think of me.  as long as i'm being true to myself and not hurting anyone else in the process, it shouldn't matter. right?

i saw the shallowest thing today.  i was on the Net, and saw this ad for a dating service called "PlentyofFish".  Has anyone seen it?  it said that it only offered "high quality" matches and that they actually delete anyone that they deem "unworthy" dating material.  i simply couldn't believe it.  please tell me your thoughts on this. 

i have struggled for years going to school while raising two spirited, active kids all on my own.  at times, i've felt like just giving up because it's gotten so d@mn hard. but i didn't and now i may be getting the chance to actually put it to good use.  i just found out i got an interview for the counselor position i applied for yesterday. that's a good sign, right? oh please oh please let this work out for me. 

i want to be someone else. i want to be something, anything else.  i dont know where this is coming from, because for the most part i am content with life as it is.  but right now i want more.  the bad thing is, there's no way i can have more.  i am who i am and there's no changing that in any major way.  if i told you what i wanted you'd be shocked so i will just keep that to myself or maybe post it in an anonymous confession.  all i know is, i'm tired of being the nice girl. i just wanna go wild.

thanks for listening.

i feel disconnected somehow.  the world goes on at breakneck speed and here i sit.  where has the time gone? what have i done with my life? i go through this once in a while---maybe everyone does.  i have goals, but no real direction.  i'm going through the motions, it seems.  getting nowhere.  i am just so tired and have no motivation, but the worst thing is---i dont even care anymore.  there are days when i feel better than others. and i still manage to get done what needs done.  i can't say i'm never on top of things.  but lately, i feel like a robot.  on any given day i will "program" in what needs to be done and i do that as if on autopilot. then the rest of the time i am zoning out. maybe my meds have pushed me too far in the other direction. from caring too much to caring too little.  i take prozac. has anyone else had this experience?

thanks

i am still having the same problems with IE today.  i've only been here 45 mins and i've been logged out a dozen times.  it's highly aggravating.  i tried DLing firefox but when i went to install, they said the file was corrupt. wth?? any advice??? thanks

i was just wondering, do most people have secrets that they wouldn't dare tell anyone for fear of their reaction?  i do ;>

hey epeeps,

is anyone else having probs with EP on IE?  mine keeps saying that IE is encountering a problem and needs to close----very aggravating to say the least.  it seems like EP works best with firefox.

thanks,

triXi