supposed to vs want to | trixi's Blog

right now i'm indulgently sitting here at EP browsing confessions (it makes me feel better to see that others have the same kinds of deep, dark secrets as me).  this is what i want to be doing.  this is, however, not what i should be doing.  i should be reading or doing some work or going to the bank--or even doing the dishes that have sat on the counter for days.  but the thing is, i often struggle with these issues.  the fact is, i dont want to do anything today or any day.  i have to force myself to balance my checkbook or pay the bills or scrub the kitchen floor.  so many are the "have to's" of this life.  where is the time for the "want to's"?

i was so sick yesterday; my son (the one that verbally abuses me) was home from school.  i took pills and they made me sleep about half the day--so i got to avoid everything and have a valid excuse.  when i was suffering heavily from depression, i slept all the time to avoid my life but now that i'm taking the right med dosage, i dont feel the need to do that so much.  however, i still dont have the motivation to get things done.  i think, honestly, that i'm just plain lazy.  and you know what? at this point, i don't care if i am.  i've done this single mother, superwoman thing for almost two decades and i'm worn out--that's all there is to it.  do i deserve to goof off in life? given my track record, probably not. but who said i had to deserve it? hee hee--- i'm so bad. but being bad feels so damn good! ;>