so far ... | trixi's Blog

it's only 9:34 AM and so far today, i have loathed my children & myself, failed to log into my online classroom because i'm far too "busy" with EP and other things that I don't even want to go there, have had to clean up the cat's puke off the livingroom floor, am dealing with a nasty summer cold (those are the worst), and can't get my mind off my lover who might as well live a million miles away--but it doesn't matter anyway because i can never hope to deserve him. 

 i hate hating myself, but what else is there to do? i am the one that lives with myself day in and day out and i know all the ins and outs of my existence and see that there is so much that disgusts me.  how can another person possibly love me when i cant even love me?  i believe that i have alot to offer another person as far as my heart & mind are concerned, but where i am lacking is in this mangled shell i  am forced to inhabit.  why me? and why does the world (well, where i live here in the US, at least) have to make it seem as tho that's all that matters?  and why do i buy into it? why, when i know better--when i know that looks are not the end all and be all, do i still fall for it?  all i know is, i just wish that things could be different in so many ways--i wish that my kids didn't treat me like a doormat a cheuffeur a maid a bank a punching bag a nothing. and i wish that i could be beautiful for him and that i could be happy with myself.  just in case you're wondering, i took two antihistamines a while ago, so i'm kind of running off at the mouth. but you get the picture.